Responses to O&P joke request
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Responses to O&P joke request
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Dear Listserve Members:
Within the last couple of weeks, I have made two requests for P&O jokes
for my web page. The following are some of the responses I received. I have
edited them slightly. Then, as requested, I have included a few from my own
collection. Thanks to all of you who replied. Here are the jokes:
This first joke was the first one -- and the funniest one -- I received.
Thanks, Mike.
There's this man with a bald head and a wooden leg who gets invited to a
fancy costume party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head
and his leg so he writes to a fancy costume company to explain the problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note. Dear Sir, please
find enclosed a pirates outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald
head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate. The man
thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and
so he writes a really rude letter of complaint.
A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note which says Dear
Sir, sorry about before, please find enclosed a monks habit. The long robe
will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the
part.
Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasizing his
wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head and he writes the company a really
rude letter of complaint.
The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads Dear Sir,
please find enclosed a jar of caramel. Pour the caramel over your bald head,
stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a candied apple!
By Michael Quigley, CPO
A blonde came in the office the other day for an orthotic evaluation. As I
introduced myself, I noticed that she had written on both shoes the letters
TGIF.
As a way of starting the conversation I remarked, You must really live for
the weekend!
Why do you say that? she replied somewhat suspiciously.
Well, I said. You have TGIF--Thank Goodness It's Friday! -- written on
your shoes.
Oh, she said, that's not what it means.
What does it mean then? I asked.
Toes Go In First, was her reply.
By Harry Phillips, CPO
A lady is giving a party for her grand daughter, and has gone all out --
caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party starts, two bums
show up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman tells
them that they can get a meal if they will chop some wood out back.
Gratefully, they head to the rear of the house.
Guests arrive, and all is going well with the children having a wonderful
time. But the clown has not shown up, and finally, the clown calls to report
that he is stuck in traffic, and will probably not make the party at all.
The woman is very disappointed and unsuccessfully tries to entertain the
children herself. She happens to look out the window and sees one of the bums
doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watches in awe as he swings from tree
branches, does midair flips, and leaps high in the air.
She speaks to the other bum and says, What your friend is doing is
absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your
friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the
party? I would pay him $50!
The bum says, Well, I'm not sure. Let me ask him. Hey Willie, this
lady's got fifty bucks. She wants to know, are you willing to chop off
another toe?
From James Stewart
day, they're leading a priest, a drunkard and a bio-mechanical engineer
to the guillotine. They ask the priest if he wants to face up or down when he
meets his fate. The priest says he would like to face up so he will be
looking towards heaven when he dies. They raise the blade of the guillotine
and release it. It comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from
his neck. The authorities take this as divine intervention and release the
priest.
The drunkard comes to the guillotine next. He also decides to die face
up, hoping that he will be as fortunate as the priest. They raise the blade
of the guillotine and release it. It comes speeding down and suddenly stops
just inches from his neck. Again, the authorities take this as a sign of
divine intervention, and they release the drunkard as well.
Next is the bio-mechanical engineer. He, too, decides to die facing up.
As they slowly raise the blade of the guillotine, the engineer suddenly says,
Hey, I see what your problem is ...
Also from James Stewart
A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
She tells them there will be no excuse for not showing up, except for serious
injury or illness, or death in the student's immediate family.
A smart-alek left-AE amputee in the back of the room asks, What about
extreme sexual exhaustion?
The entire class unsuccessfully tries to stifle their snickering. Once
silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student,
shakes her head, and sweetly utters, That's not an excuse. You'll just have
to write with the same hand that caused the problem.
Anonymous from a subscriber to Wayne Renardson's Amputee Information Network
The bishop of a cathedral sent word through the streets of Paris that a
new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the
interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening
process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had
just about decided to call it a day. But just then, an armless man
approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's
job. Incredulously, the bishop blurted out, But . . . you have no arms!
No matter, said the man: Observe! And he began striking the bells
with his
face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. Unfortunately, near the
end of the song, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the
belfry window, falling to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop
rushed down the steps. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered
around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only
moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of
them asked, Bishop, who was this man?
I don't know his name, the bishop sadly replied, but his face rings a
bell.
The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart
due to the unfortunate death the day before, the bishop continued his
interviews for a new bell ringer. The first man to approach him said, Your
Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch who fell to his death
from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing
me to replace him in this duty.
The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's
brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned,
clutched at his chest, and died on the spot.
Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy,
rushed up the stairs to his side. What has happened? Who is this man? the
first monk asked breathlessly.
He didn't tell me his name, said the distraught bishop, but he's a
dead ringer for the guy that was here yesterday!
From a prosthetist-orthotist who wishes to remain anonymous.
God created woman and she had three breasts.
God said to the woman, Is there anything you'd like to change?
Yes, she replied. Could you kindly get rid of this middle breast?
God snapped his fingers and amputated the offending part. She then
exclaimed, holding the removed breast in her hand, What am I going to do
with this useless boob?
And God called it Man.
Anonymous from a subscriber to Wayne Renardson's Amputee Information Network
Thank you all! Please keep 'em coming! Now for a few from my personal
collection:
A lady put a personal ad in the paper: Man wanted. Three requirements:
Must not beat me, must not run away, must satisfy my physically.
Two days later her doorbell rang and she answered the door. There was a
man, sitting in a wheelchair, no arms, no legs.
I'm here in response to the advertisement, he said.
Well -
What's the matter? I don't have any arms; I can't beat you. I don't have
any legs; I won't run away.
Well, uh, there was a third requirement.
Lady, he said, I rang your doorbell.
A couple got married, and the girl's mother lived downstairs. The girl
had never made love to a man before, and on their wedding night, when he took
off his shirt, she went running downstairs.
Momma, Momma, she cried. I can't believe it! He has hair all over his
chest! I can't make love to him, it's disgusting!
The mother said to her, He's your husband, you do what he wants you to.
No go back upstairs.
When the girl got back upstairs, the man took off his pants. This sent
her running back down to her mother. Momma, Momma! It's terrible! He has
hair all over his legs!
The mother told the girl, Look, he is your husband, you are his wife.
You go back upstairs and do what he wants.
The girl went back upstairs, and the man took off his shoes and socks.
She looked down and saw half of his right foot was amputated. She went crying
down the stairs. Momma, Momma, but he's got a foot and a half!
You stay here, said the mother. I'll go upstairs.
God created Adam and placed him in Paradise in the Garden of Eden. Later
God came to Adam and asked Adam if there was anything more he desired.
Yes, God, there is. I'm lonely.
Well, Adam, said God. I could take parts from your body and create a
companion for you. She would cook for you and clean for you. She would never
be moody. She would be stunningly beautiful and would always be in the mood
for you to take pleasure in her body. She would never complain about anything
you did; you could be gone for days hunting, fishing, drinking, and she would
welcome you home with a smile whenever you came back.
I would love that, God, said Adam. What parts of my body do you have
to take?
I will have to amputate an arm and a leg, said God.
Hmmm, said Adam. Uh ... what do you think I could get for a rib?
Uh, and here's a different type of amputation!
A man went to the doctor complaining of constant horrible headaches. The
doctor did a thorough physical exam and called the man into his office and
said, I have good news and bad news. The good news is I can cure you. The
bad news is what I'm going to have to do.
What?
The problem is your sac is too tight and your testicles are pressing up
on the base of your spine and that, ultimately, is what's causing your
headaches. If I excise your testicles, you won't have any more headaches, but
you won't have any sex life either.
No way. I'll live with the headaches.
Three weeks later the man was back in the doctor's office. Doc, I can't
stand it any more. I can't live with these headaches. I don't care what
happens to my sex life. Do you promise me, if you cut my balls off, my
headaches will be gone?
As much as I can ever promise to anybody, I'm sure of it.
Do it, Doc. Take 'em off. So the doctor did the operation - and now the
man was in a lot of pain - but as the days went by, that pain grew less and
the man noticed that the headaches were gone! As he healed up, and was able
to walk around, he started feeling good.
About four weeks after the operation he woke up one day and the sun was
shining and he felt so good that he decided to take a walk. He was walking
briskly and he was whistling and he walked by a men's clothier. He said to
himself, I'm a new man, I'm going to get myself some new clothes.
The salesman said, Can I help you, sir?
I'd like to buy a new suit.
Uh, 36 long is over here; step this way.
How did you know my size?
It's my job. He fitted the man up with a very nice suit. Now, how
about a shirt to go with that?
Why not?
The clerk looked at him and said, 16 ½ neck, 35 sleeve.
How did you know that?
It's my job. He fitted the man up with a nice shirt. Now, how about
shoes to go with that new suit?
Why not?
10 ½ C.
How did you know that?
It's my job. He fitted the man with new shoes and a pair of socks too.
Well, I think that's about it, unless - could you use some underwear?
Go for it!
The clerk picked out a package of underwear and handed it to him. The man
looked at it and started to laugh. What are you laughing at? the clerk
asked.
You knew my exact suit size, my shirt size, my shoe size, and then you
hand me a pair of underwear that's too big for me.
You're a 36.
No! I've worn a 34 for years,.
Well, you could wear a 34, but I'll tell you what it's going to do. It's
going to squeeze your balls up against the base of your spine and give you
one hell of a headache.
Sign seen on a bulletin board:
Dog Missing - Reward!
Brown and white cocker spaniel.
Missing two teeth, one ear with bite out of it,
Only has three legs, tail cut half off.
Answers to the name, Lucky.
Q: What's the definition of coyote ugly?
A: When a girl wakes up in the morning and finds a chewed-off arm under her
head.
A man contracted gangrene in his right leg and needed to have it
amputated. But, due to a mix-up at the hospital, the surgeon operated on the
left leg. The patient, of course, still needed to have his right leg
amputated, which was done.
A malpractice suit was brought and it seemed like the man had a good
case, but the judge threw the case out of court.
He said the plaintiff didn't have a leg to stand on.
A guy in a bar noticed a pirate with a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch.
This fellow's got some stories to tell, he thought, so he struck up a
conversation. Excuse me, sir, I was wondering, how did you lose your leg?
I lost me leg in a battle off the coast of Jamaica, the pirate said.
Oh, I see. And your hand, did you lose it at the same time?
No, I lost it to the sharks off the Florida Keys.
I notice you also have an eye patch.
I was sleeping on a beach when a seagull flew over and crapped right in
me eye.
And that cost you your eye? I don't understand.
It was the day after I got me hook!
Again, not your normal amputation:
A man went into the hospital for a routine circumcision. However, after
he woke up from the anesthesia, he saw a group of doctors gathered around him.
What happened? he asked worriedly.
Well, said one of the doctors, we made an error. Due to a slight
mix-up, we performed the wrong operation. Instead of a circumcision we did a
sex-change. We cut off your penis and gave you a vagina.
What? said the man. That's terrible! You mean, I'll never again
experience an erection?
Well, you probably will, said the doctor, but it will be somebody
else's.
Well, that's it! I should have my joke page up sometime in September. I'm
still editing jokes. Thanks again to all who contributed. It's not too late,
if you have a contribution. Please send it!!!
David Hendricks, CPO
HOPE, Inc.
acebrace.com
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Within the last couple of weeks, I have made two requests for P&O jokes
for my web page. The following are some of the responses I received. I have
edited them slightly. Then, as requested, I have included a few from my own
collection. Thanks to all of you who replied. Here are the jokes:
This first joke was the first one -- and the funniest one -- I received.
Thanks, Mike.
There's this man with a bald head and a wooden leg who gets invited to a
fancy costume party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head
and his leg so he writes to a fancy costume company to explain the problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note. Dear Sir, please
find enclosed a pirates outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald
head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate. The man
thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and
so he writes a really rude letter of complaint.
A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note which says Dear
Sir, sorry about before, please find enclosed a monks habit. The long robe
will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the
part.
Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasizing his
wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head and he writes the company a really
rude letter of complaint.
The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads Dear Sir,
please find enclosed a jar of caramel. Pour the caramel over your bald head,
stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a candied apple!
By Michael Quigley, CPO
A blonde came in the office the other day for an orthotic evaluation. As I
introduced myself, I noticed that she had written on both shoes the letters
TGIF.
As a way of starting the conversation I remarked, You must really live for
the weekend!
Why do you say that? she replied somewhat suspiciously.
Well, I said. You have TGIF--Thank Goodness It's Friday! -- written on
your shoes.
Oh, she said, that's not what it means.
What does it mean then? I asked.
Toes Go In First, was her reply.
By Harry Phillips, CPO
A lady is giving a party for her grand daughter, and has gone all out --
caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party starts, two bums
show up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman tells
them that they can get a meal if they will chop some wood out back.
Gratefully, they head to the rear of the house.
Guests arrive, and all is going well with the children having a wonderful
time. But the clown has not shown up, and finally, the clown calls to report
that he is stuck in traffic, and will probably not make the party at all.
The woman is very disappointed and unsuccessfully tries to entertain the
children herself. She happens to look out the window and sees one of the bums
doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watches in awe as he swings from tree
branches, does midair flips, and leaps high in the air.
She speaks to the other bum and says, What your friend is doing is
absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your
friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the
party? I would pay him $50!
The bum says, Well, I'm not sure. Let me ask him. Hey Willie, this
lady's got fifty bucks. She wants to know, are you willing to chop off
another toe?
From James Stewart
day, they're leading a priest, a drunkard and a bio-mechanical engineer
to the guillotine. They ask the priest if he wants to face up or down when he
meets his fate. The priest says he would like to face up so he will be
looking towards heaven when he dies. They raise the blade of the guillotine
and release it. It comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from
his neck. The authorities take this as divine intervention and release the
priest.
The drunkard comes to the guillotine next. He also decides to die face
up, hoping that he will be as fortunate as the priest. They raise the blade
of the guillotine and release it. It comes speeding down and suddenly stops
just inches from his neck. Again, the authorities take this as a sign of
divine intervention, and they release the drunkard as well.
Next is the bio-mechanical engineer. He, too, decides to die facing up.
As they slowly raise the blade of the guillotine, the engineer suddenly says,
Hey, I see what your problem is ...
Also from James Stewart
A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
She tells them there will be no excuse for not showing up, except for serious
injury or illness, or death in the student's immediate family.
A smart-alek left-AE amputee in the back of the room asks, What about
extreme sexual exhaustion?
The entire class unsuccessfully tries to stifle their snickering. Once
silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student,
shakes her head, and sweetly utters, That's not an excuse. You'll just have
to write with the same hand that caused the problem.
Anonymous from a subscriber to Wayne Renardson's Amputee Information Network
The bishop of a cathedral sent word through the streets of Paris that a
new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the
interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening
process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had
just about decided to call it a day. But just then, an armless man
approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's
job. Incredulously, the bishop blurted out, But . . . you have no arms!
No matter, said the man: Observe! And he began striking the bells
with his
face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. Unfortunately, near the
end of the song, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the
belfry window, falling to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop
rushed down the steps. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered
around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only
moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of
them asked, Bishop, who was this man?
I don't know his name, the bishop sadly replied, but his face rings a
bell.
The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart
due to the unfortunate death the day before, the bishop continued his
interviews for a new bell ringer. The first man to approach him said, Your
Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch who fell to his death
from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing
me to replace him in this duty.
The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's
brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned,
clutched at his chest, and died on the spot.
Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy,
rushed up the stairs to his side. What has happened? Who is this man? the
first monk asked breathlessly.
He didn't tell me his name, said the distraught bishop, but he's a
dead ringer for the guy that was here yesterday!
From a prosthetist-orthotist who wishes to remain anonymous.
God created woman and she had three breasts.
God said to the woman, Is there anything you'd like to change?
Yes, she replied. Could you kindly get rid of this middle breast?
God snapped his fingers and amputated the offending part. She then
exclaimed, holding the removed breast in her hand, What am I going to do
with this useless boob?
And God called it Man.
Anonymous from a subscriber to Wayne Renardson's Amputee Information Network
Thank you all! Please keep 'em coming! Now for a few from my personal
collection:
A lady put a personal ad in the paper: Man wanted. Three requirements:
Must not beat me, must not run away, must satisfy my physically.
Two days later her doorbell rang and she answered the door. There was a
man, sitting in a wheelchair, no arms, no legs.
I'm here in response to the advertisement, he said.
Well -
What's the matter? I don't have any arms; I can't beat you. I don't have
any legs; I won't run away.
Well, uh, there was a third requirement.
Lady, he said, I rang your doorbell.
A couple got married, and the girl's mother lived downstairs. The girl
had never made love to a man before, and on their wedding night, when he took
off his shirt, she went running downstairs.
Momma, Momma, she cried. I can't believe it! He has hair all over his
chest! I can't make love to him, it's disgusting!
The mother said to her, He's your husband, you do what he wants you to.
No go back upstairs.
When the girl got back upstairs, the man took off his pants. This sent
her running back down to her mother. Momma, Momma! It's terrible! He has
hair all over his legs!
The mother told the girl, Look, he is your husband, you are his wife.
You go back upstairs and do what he wants.
The girl went back upstairs, and the man took off his shoes and socks.
She looked down and saw half of his right foot was amputated. She went crying
down the stairs. Momma, Momma, but he's got a foot and a half!
You stay here, said the mother. I'll go upstairs.
God created Adam and placed him in Paradise in the Garden of Eden. Later
God came to Adam and asked Adam if there was anything more he desired.
Yes, God, there is. I'm lonely.
Well, Adam, said God. I could take parts from your body and create a
companion for you. She would cook for you and clean for you. She would never
be moody. She would be stunningly beautiful and would always be in the mood
for you to take pleasure in her body. She would never complain about anything
you did; you could be gone for days hunting, fishing, drinking, and she would
welcome you home with a smile whenever you came back.
I would love that, God, said Adam. What parts of my body do you have
to take?
I will have to amputate an arm and a leg, said God.
Hmmm, said Adam. Uh ... what do you think I could get for a rib?
Uh, and here's a different type of amputation!
A man went to the doctor complaining of constant horrible headaches. The
doctor did a thorough physical exam and called the man into his office and
said, I have good news and bad news. The good news is I can cure you. The
bad news is what I'm going to have to do.
What?
The problem is your sac is too tight and your testicles are pressing up
on the base of your spine and that, ultimately, is what's causing your
headaches. If I excise your testicles, you won't have any more headaches, but
you won't have any sex life either.
No way. I'll live with the headaches.
Three weeks later the man was back in the doctor's office. Doc, I can't
stand it any more. I can't live with these headaches. I don't care what
happens to my sex life. Do you promise me, if you cut my balls off, my
headaches will be gone?
As much as I can ever promise to anybody, I'm sure of it.
Do it, Doc. Take 'em off. So the doctor did the operation - and now the
man was in a lot of pain - but as the days went by, that pain grew less and
the man noticed that the headaches were gone! As he healed up, and was able
to walk around, he started feeling good.
About four weeks after the operation he woke up one day and the sun was
shining and he felt so good that he decided to take a walk. He was walking
briskly and he was whistling and he walked by a men's clothier. He said to
himself, I'm a new man, I'm going to get myself some new clothes.
The salesman said, Can I help you, sir?
I'd like to buy a new suit.
Uh, 36 long is over here; step this way.
How did you know my size?
It's my job. He fitted the man up with a very nice suit. Now, how
about a shirt to go with that?
Why not?
The clerk looked at him and said, 16 ½ neck, 35 sleeve.
How did you know that?
It's my job. He fitted the man up with a nice shirt. Now, how about
shoes to go with that new suit?
Why not?
10 ½ C.
How did you know that?
It's my job. He fitted the man with new shoes and a pair of socks too.
Well, I think that's about it, unless - could you use some underwear?
Go for it!
The clerk picked out a package of underwear and handed it to him. The man
looked at it and started to laugh. What are you laughing at? the clerk
asked.
You knew my exact suit size, my shirt size, my shoe size, and then you
hand me a pair of underwear that's too big for me.
You're a 36.
No! I've worn a 34 for years,.
Well, you could wear a 34, but I'll tell you what it's going to do. It's
going to squeeze your balls up against the base of your spine and give you
one hell of a headache.
Sign seen on a bulletin board:
Dog Missing - Reward!
Brown and white cocker spaniel.
Missing two teeth, one ear with bite out of it,
Only has three legs, tail cut half off.
Answers to the name, Lucky.
Q: What's the definition of coyote ugly?
A: When a girl wakes up in the morning and finds a chewed-off arm under her
head.
A man contracted gangrene in his right leg and needed to have it
amputated. But, due to a mix-up at the hospital, the surgeon operated on the
left leg. The patient, of course, still needed to have his right leg
amputated, which was done.
A malpractice suit was brought and it seemed like the man had a good
case, but the judge threw the case out of court.
He said the plaintiff didn't have a leg to stand on.
A guy in a bar noticed a pirate with a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch.
This fellow's got some stories to tell, he thought, so he struck up a
conversation. Excuse me, sir, I was wondering, how did you lose your leg?
I lost me leg in a battle off the coast of Jamaica, the pirate said.
Oh, I see. And your hand, did you lose it at the same time?
No, I lost it to the sharks off the Florida Keys.
I notice you also have an eye patch.
I was sleeping on a beach when a seagull flew over and crapped right in
me eye.
And that cost you your eye? I don't understand.
It was the day after I got me hook!
Again, not your normal amputation:
A man went into the hospital for a routine circumcision. However, after
he woke up from the anesthesia, he saw a group of doctors gathered around him.
What happened? he asked worriedly.
Well, said one of the doctors, we made an error. Due to a slight
mix-up, we performed the wrong operation. Instead of a circumcision we did a
sex-change. We cut off your penis and gave you a vagina.
What? said the man. That's terrible! You mean, I'll never again
experience an erection?
Well, you probably will, said the doctor, but it will be somebody
else's.
Well, that's it! I should have my joke page up sometime in September. I'm
still editing jokes. Thanks again to all who contributed. It's not too late,
if you have a contribution. Please send it!!!
David Hendricks, CPO
HOPE, Inc.
acebrace.com
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Citation
“Responses to O&P joke request,” Digital Resource Foundation for Orthotics and Prosthetics, accessed November 27, 2024, https://library.drfop.org/items/show/212636.
