Re: Responses to O&P joke request

Re: Responses to O&P joke request

topbai

9/3/1999

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¥D¦®: Responses to O&P joke request


>Dear Listserve Members:
>
> Within the last couple of weeks, I have made two requests for P&O jokes
>for my web page. The following are some of the responses I received. I have
>edited them slightly. Then, as requested, I have included a few from my own
>collection. Thanks to all of you who replied. Here are the jokes:
>
>
>This first joke was the first one -- and the funniest one -- I received.
>Thanks, Mike.
>
> There's this man with a bald head and a wooden leg who gets invited to
a
>fancy costume party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head
>and his leg so he writes to a fancy costume company to explain the problem.
> A few days later he receives a parcel with a note. Dear Sir, please
>find enclosed a pirates outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your
bald
>head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate. The man
>thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg
and
>so he writes a really rude letter of complaint.
> A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note which says
Dear
>Sir, sorry about before, please find enclosed a monks habit. The long robe
>will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the
>part.
> Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasizing his
>wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head and he writes the company a really
>rude letter of complaint.
> The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads Dear
Sir,
>please find enclosed a jar of caramel. Pour the caramel over your bald
head,
>stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a candied apple!
>
>By Michael Quigley, CPO
>
>
>A blonde came in the office the other day for an orthotic evaluation. As I
>introduced myself, I noticed that she had written on both shoes the letters
>TGIF.
>As a way of starting the conversation I remarked, You must really live for
>the weekend!
>Why do you say that? she replied somewhat suspiciously.
>Well, I said. You have TGIF--Thank Goodness It's Friday! -- written on
>your shoes.
>Oh, she said, that's not what it means.
>What does it mean then? I asked.
>Toes Go In First, was her reply.
>
>By Harry Phillips, CPO
>
>
> A lady is giving a party for her grand daughter, and has gone all
out --
>caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party starts, two bums
>show up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman tells
>them that they can get a meal if they will chop some wood out back.
>Gratefully, they head to the rear of the house.
> Guests arrive, and all is going well with the children having a
wonderful
>time. But the clown has not shown up, and finally, the clown calls to
report
>that he is stuck in traffic, and will probably not make the party at all.
> The woman is very disappointed and unsuccessfully tries to entertain
the
>children herself. She happens to look out the window and sees one of the
bums
>doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watches in awe as he swings from tree
>branches, does midair flips, and leaps high in the air.
> She speaks to the other bum and says, What your friend is doing is
>absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your
>friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the
>party? I would pay him $50!
> The bum says, Well, I'm not sure. Let me ask him. Hey Willie, this
>lady's got fifty bucks. She wants to know, are you willing to chop off
>another toe?
>
>>From James Stewart
>
>
> day, they're leading a priest, a drunkard and a bio-mechanical engineer
>to the guillotine. They ask the priest if he wants to face up or down when
he
>meets his fate. The priest says he would like to face up so he will be
>looking towards heaven when he dies. They raise the blade of the guillotine
>and release it. It comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from
>his neck. The authorities take this as divine intervention and release the
>priest.
> The drunkard comes to the guillotine next. He also decides to die face
>up, hoping that he will be as fortunate as the priest. They raise the blade
>of the guillotine and release it. It comes speeding down and suddenly stops
>just inches from his neck. Again, the authorities take this as a sign of
>divine intervention, and they release the drunkard as well.
> Next is the bio-mechanical engineer. He, too, decides to die facing up.
>As they slowly raise the blade of the guillotine, the engineer suddenly
says,
>Hey, I see what your problem is ...
>
>Also from James Stewart
>
>
> A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final
exam.
>She tells them there will be no excuse for not showing up, except for
serious
>injury or illness, or death in the student's immediate family.
> A smart-alek left-AE amputee in the back of the room asks, What about
>extreme sexual exhaustion?
> The entire class unsuccessfully tries to stifle their snickering. Once
>silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student,
>shakes her head, and sweetly utters, That's not an excuse. You'll just
have
>to write with the same hand that caused the problem.
>
>Anonymous from a subscriber to Wayne Renardson's Amputee Information
Network
>
>
> The bishop of a cathedral sent word through the streets of Paris that a
>new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the
>interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening
>process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he
had
>just about decided to call it a day. But just then, an armless man
>approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell
ringer's
>job. Incredulously, the bishop blurted out, But . . . you have no arms!
> No matter, said the man: Observe! And he began striking the bells
>with his
>face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. Unfortunately, near
the
>end of the song, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the
>belfry window, falling to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop
>rushed down the steps. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered
>around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only
>moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of
>them asked, Bishop, who was this man?
> I don't know his name, the bishop sadly replied, but his face rings
a
>bell.
> The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his
heart
>due to the unfortunate death the day before, the bishop continued his
>interviews for a new bell ringer. The first man to approach him said, Your
>Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch who fell to his
death
>from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing
>me to replace him in this duty.
> The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless
man's
>brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned,
>clutched at his chest, and died on the spot.
> Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy,
>rushed up the stairs to his side. What has happened? Who is this man? the
>first monk asked breathlessly.
> He didn't tell me his name, said the distraught bishop, but he's a
>dead ringer for the guy that was here yesterday!
>
>>From a prosthetist-orthotist who wishes to remain anonymous.
>
> God created woman and she had three breasts.
> God said to the woman, Is there anything you'd like to change?
> Yes, she replied. Could you kindly get rid of this middle breast?
> God snapped his fingers and amputated the offending part. She then
>exclaimed, holding the removed breast in her hand, What am I going to do
>with this useless boob?
> And God called it Man.
>
>Anonymous from a subscriber to Wayne Renardson's Amputee Information
Network
>
>
>Thank you all! Please keep 'em coming! Now for a few from my personal
>collection:
>
>
> A lady put a personal ad in the paper: Man wanted. Three requirements:
>Must not beat me, must not run away, must satisfy my physically.
> Two days later her doorbell rang and she answered the door. There was a
>man, sitting in a wheelchair, no arms, no legs.
> I'm here in response to the advertisement, he said.
> Well -
> What's the matter? I don't have any arms; I can't beat you. I don't
have
>any legs; I won't run away.
> Well, uh, there was a third requirement.
> Lady, he said, I rang your doorbell.
>
>
> A couple got married, and the girl's mother lived downstairs. The girl
>had never made love to a man before, and on their wedding night, when he
took
>off his shirt, she went running downstairs.
> Momma, Momma, she cried. I can't believe it! He has hair all over
his
>chest! I can't make love to him, it's disgusting!
> The mother said to her, He's your husband, you do what he wants you
to.
>No go back upstairs.
> When the girl got back upstairs, the man took off his pants. This sent
>her running back down to her mother. Momma, Momma! It's terrible! He has
>hair all over his legs!
> The mother told the girl, Look, he is your husband, you are his wife.
>You go back upstairs and do what he wants.
> The girl went back upstairs, and the man took off his shoes and socks.
>She looked down and saw half of his right foot was amputated. She went
crying
>down the stairs. Momma, Momma, but he's got a foot and a half!
> You stay here, said the mother. I'll go upstairs.
>
>
> God created Adam and placed him in Paradise in the Garden of Eden.
Later
>God came to Adam and asked Adam if there was anything more he desired.
> Yes, God, there is. I'm lonely.
> Well, Adam, said God. I could take parts from your body and create a
>companion for you. She would cook for you and clean for you. She would
never
>be moody. She would be stunningly beautiful and would always be in the mood
>for you to take pleasure in her body. She would never complain about
anything
>you did; you could be gone for days hunting, fishing, drinking, and she
would
>welcome you home with a smile whenever you came back.
> I would love that, God, said Adam. What parts of my body do you have
>to take?
> I will have to amputate an arm and a leg, said God.
> Hmmm, said Adam. Uh ... what do you think I could get for a rib?
>
>
>Uh, and here's a different type of amputation!
>
> A man went to the doctor complaining of constant horrible headaches.
The
>doctor did a thorough physical exam and called the man into his office and
>said, I have good news and bad news. The good news is I can cure you. The
>bad news is what I'm going to have to do.
> What?
> The problem is your sac is too tight and your testicles are pressing
up
>on the base of your spine and that, ultimately, is what's causing your
>headaches. If I excise your testicles, you won't have any more headaches,
but
>you won't have any sex life either.
> No way. I'll live with the headaches.
> Three weeks later the man was back in the doctor's office. Doc, I
can't
>stand it any more. I can't live with these headaches. I don't care what
>happens to my sex life. Do you promise me, if you cut my balls off, my
>headaches will be gone?
> As much as I can ever promise to anybody, I'm sure of it.
> Do it, Doc. Take 'em off. So the doctor did the operation - and now
the
>man was in a lot of pain - but as the days went by, that pain grew less and
>the man noticed that the headaches were gone! As he healed up, and was able
>to walk around, he started feeling good.
> About four weeks after the operation he woke up one day and the sun was
>shining and he felt so good that he decided to take a walk. He was walking
>briskly and he was whistling and he walked by a men's clothier. He said to
>himself, I'm a new man, I'm going to get myself some new clothes.
> The salesman said, Can I help you, sir?
> I'd like to buy a new suit.
> Uh, 36 long is over here; step this way.
> How did you know my size?
> It's my job. He fitted the man up with a very nice suit. Now, how
>about a shirt to go with that?
> Why not?
> The clerk looked at him and said, 16 ½ neck, 35 sleeve.
> How did you know that?
> It's my job. He fitted the man up with a nice shirt. Now, how about
>shoes to go with that new suit?
> Why not?
> 10 ½ C.
> How did you know that?
> It's my job. He fitted the man with new shoes and a pair of socks
too.
>Well, I think that's about it, unless - could you use some underwear?
> Go for it!
> The clerk picked out a package of underwear and handed it to him. The
man
>looked at it and started to laugh. What are you laughing at? the clerk
>asked.
> You knew my exact suit size, my shirt size, my shoe size, and then you
>hand me a pair of underwear that's too big for me.
> You're a 36.
> No! I've worn a 34 for years,.
> Well, you could wear a 34, but I'll tell you what it's going to do.
It's
>going to squeeze your balls up against the base of your spine and give you
>one hell of a headache.
>
>Sign seen on a bulletin board:
>
>Dog Missing - Reward!
>Brown and white cocker spaniel.
>Missing two teeth, one ear with bite out of it,
>Only has three legs, tail cut half off.
>Answers to the name, Lucky.
>
>
>Q: What's the definition of coyote ugly?
>A: When a girl wakes up in the morning and finds a chewed-off arm under her
>head.
>
>
> A man contracted gangrene in his right leg and needed to have it
>amputated. But, due to a mix-up at the hospital, the surgeon operated on
the
>left leg. The patient, of course, still needed to have his right leg
>amputated, which was done.
> A malpractice suit was brought and it seemed like the man had a good
>case, but the judge threw the case out of court.
> He said the plaintiff didn't have a leg to stand on.
>
>
> A guy in a bar noticed a pirate with a peg leg, a hook, and an eye
patch.
>This fellow's got some stories to tell, he thought, so he struck up a
>conversation. Excuse me, sir, I was wondering, how did you lose your leg?
> I lost me leg in a battle off the coast of Jamaica, the pirate said.
> Oh, I see. And your hand, did you lose it at the same time?
> No, I lost it to the sharks off the Florida Keys.
> I notice you also have an eye patch.
> I was sleeping on a beach when a seagull flew over and crapped right
in
>me eye.
> And that cost you your eye? I don't understand.
> It was the day after I got me hook!
>
>
>Again, not your normal amputation:
>
> A man went into the hospital for a routine circumcision. However, after
>he woke up from the anesthesia, he saw a group of doctors gathered around
him.
> What happened? he asked worriedly.
> Well, said one of the doctors, we made an error. Due to a slight
>mix-up, we performed the wrong operation. Instead of a circumcision we did
a
>sex-change. We cut off your penis and gave you a vagina.
> What? said the man. That's terrible! You mean, I'll never again
>experience an erection?
> Well, you probably will, said the doctor, but it will be somebody
>else's.
>
>
>Well, that's it! I should have my joke page up sometime in September. I'm
>still editing jokes. Thanks again to all who contributed. It's not too
late,
>if you have a contribution. Please send it!!!
>
>David Hendricks, CPO
>HOPE, Inc.
>acebrace.com
>
> ********************
>OANDP-L is a forum for the discussion of topics related to Orthotics and
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> <Email Address Redacted>

                          ********************
OANDP-L is a forum for the discussion of topics related to Orthotics and
Prosthetics.
Public commercial postings are forbidden. Responses to inquiries of a
commercial nature should not be sent to the entire oandp-l list. Responses
should be collected and reposted by the person asking the question.
Send a message to the list by sending to: <Email Address Redacted> To unsubscribe,
send a message to: <Email Address Redacted> with the words UNSUB OANDP-L in the body of the
message. All postings related to US-politics must use a subject line
starting with US-Politics:
Any questions should be directed to Paul E. Prusakowski, CPO at
<Email Address Redacted>